Sweaty hands. Eyes wide open. Breath held. This is a lot of people’s college experience including mine. The college process today is like a bloodless hunger games in which the applicants fight for acceptance into a “cornucopia” of knowledge and prestige that is required to succeed in today’s marketplace. I always have been very competitive and, unlike school, this competition is really motivating and invigorating. It, for whatever reason, is a lot easier for me to be motivated by this than it is by school. This is probably why I have had the Eminem song Survival stuck in my head during my past trip to Oregon to visit colleges.
 
   In the song it talks about that the rap industry is “survival of the fittest” and “do or die” invoking an image of a battle and Darwin’s theory. shadymathers.com talks about how this song is about he struggled with his drug abuse because "he wasn't ready to be a millionare", and that is a rehash of his old album MMLP which is what his new album is named after. It is a song that I would normally listen to before a sports game or driving fast in my car, but because of this sense of competition I put into the process I have been thinking about it constantly. It may seem hard to do, but for me it is easy. I feel as though I am a business trying to sell myself as a product. Just like the song was used as background music to help sell the new Call of Duty: Ghost, I would sell myself as a person willing to work. I have somewhat of an ability to talk to people of authority and interviews are usually what helps me get myself out there as a candidate. Conversations like that have always been, for the most part, easy for me. The song brings out the instinctual animal or id in me in a similar way that sports and this process has.

   Ironically, the worst part of this experience for me was trying to sell myself to coaches. It is an epic fail whenever I am presented with the opportunity. As an example, during my recent trip I met the soccer coach and had a discussion with him about soccer and hopefully playing. It was one of the most excruciating things I had to do. He questioned me ten times harder than any of the college admissions people. I felt like a suspect for a murder. This makes sense because he doesn’t have to deal with trying to convince people to join, because he has plenty of people for that spot. It left me in shock. My mom said my demeanor was that of a deer stuck in headlights. It gave me the sensations that I expressed earlier. I was turned from the predator to the prey. For whatever reason it is hard for me to talk about my abilities on a field. Maybe it is a subconscious hesitancy to playing. Maybe I am not ready for that kind of commitment. I have spent so much time on it maybe I am nervous about life after sports and what that will bring. It seems to have put me in a situation where I doubt myself and my motivations. After the interview I can’t help but question my capabilities.

   This world is survival of the fittest. It is a cutthroat society. I thought that I was ready for it, to brave into a new world but now I am sure that I am not. Fortunately I have a while to grow up before it is time to leave.